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It Gets a little Jumbled but I Hope There's a Happy Ending.............

I'm sick of holding everything back. "God gave you a voice now use it." All I do is keep from telling the truth. Not that I am lying to people, I am just leaving out the important things. It sounds tough, but it some times feels right. What do I know about right I am always wrong. Being the guy with the problem all the time isn't the best. I think they call those kind of people "The Downer." So this is it I am laying it all on the table, sort of speak.

I love God, but some times I can do the dumbest things.

Everything seems to breakdown right in front of my eyes, and I can't stop it. I just have to believe that horrible things happen to people, and it's all for a reason. I'm so tired of believing in someone so much, and then having another person lose themselves because a line of events. Nobody takes me seriously, I am the joke. You know what, who cares what I say. "I still love you, I want you back, I want you to be mine." Ha...Ha......I think it's funny how you get this thought in your head, but there is nobody there to here it, so that idea just floats away, and turns into nothing. Most of the time that happens to me, but I forget the best lines like..."I don't hate you girl I just want to save you while there is still something left to save."
I have to say that my number one fear in life isn't death....or....planes not even tight cramped spaces. My number one fear is...what I am living with every single day of my life, and that is being completely alone all day. I have to say after everything is finished and all the pain is gone, and the smoke has cleared there is still some thing there. Of course you can't see it, but it won't hesitate to attack you at will. I learn something new about life every single day. Like today; "unless you get up and do something about it you will forever fall in the same holes." I am not ashamed to say that I have feelings for someone, but there not the same feelings as they once were. I thought I could write out a novel about Love, but I couldn't subtract the pain. Why is it with love comes devastating pain? I wish I could fall in love and never have to worry about the blinding pain that creeps up. Suddenly all the good times are taken over by horrible memories. My life is so confusing, but I must be doing some thing right because I am still here.

I got the worst news today. It was some thing I just wish I didn't have to hear. As soon as I heard it, it broke my heart. I almost didn't know how to feel. Giving up was one thought, then Anger was in second place. How do I not feel things like these when someone you love, someone you care about does things wrong. Why can't this be easy. "I wanted to stay, but it wasn't right there." You can't lose faith every time some thing doesn't go your way. The big question is what can I do now? The truth is that I am going to have to just let it fall apart. I am nobodies love, I am nobodies hope. I am just human, I am not God. I don't know why you feel that you need to do this to me. I can't save you. I love you, but God is your hope not me. 

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