If you’re like me you'll remember that first time you fell in love, and how everything was so simple. In the world of the heart you were a baby, but then something horrible happened and this once beautiful stack of memories becomes your down fall. The years go by and you go through one heartbreak after another and you start to ask yourself, “when was the last time I was actually happy?” After a big break up for me 9 months had passed, and I just wasn't happy anymore. I wondered when was I last happy. It is strange not to be happy. It feels like happiness is this drug and you can only find underground. I wish sadness and loneliness were the drugs, and I was happy most of the time, but instead I am not. The last time I was truly happy was about 3 years ago. I say that because it was before I knew what the broken heart felt like. I was a baby and I enjoyed every minute of being a baby in the dating world. I started to think about the memories and decided to just bring up the great moments..."That first night we were on the river and we talked most of the night, and she got chilly so I gave her my jacket. We really connected that night, or those summer days walking barefoot on the beach holding hands and talking about our futures. It was never anything special, but we had are adventures, and that is what I truly enjoyed about that first relationship. She took me places and showed me things I didn’t even know about. She caused this explosion of creativity inside of me." But the key to all of those memories is not to bring up all the bad times, because that brings up those negative unwanted memories. When we first broke up it was so hard to forget the bad times, but now 3 years later I can control what I want to remember. I look back and it isn't even about the love it was about the good times we had together and nothing stopped us from having fun and laughing. Now I am not saying that this last relationship didn't have that but maybe in 3 years I can look back and not have to worry about those bad times, but right now I am so ready to walk away. It is so strange that those days were so much simpler when I was so depressed back then, but comparing the pain I felt back then doesn't compare to what I am feeling now. Over time your heart repeatedly gets shattered and you have to spend time picking up the pieces. I truly believe that I am so close to picking up the rest of those pieces.
Even though time has passed so quickly I am having this feeling when I close my eyes I wish myself back to that place in time. Now of course talking about it makes it seem so simple back then, and the truth is it wasn't simple I didn't have the focus I have today. I was a ship lost at sea. I wish I could say I am not lost anymore, but I am getting closer to the shoreline. It is weird looking back and saying "Those were the good times? I didn't see that coming!" I guess you can compare it to when you’re a kid and you’re in your own world until you have to grow up and be an adult as a teenager. It is that moment before all that when everything seemed perfect. You would come home from school and go outside and play with your friends without a care in the world. That is the moment I am talking about before all the pain played a part. Of course I understand we have to grow up some time and growing up means pressure, stress, responsibilities, and heartbreak. Let’s be honest I think everyone has that feeling of just wanting to go back before the storm came, and be able to explore, and have adventures without worrying about the repercussions. I remember one time Rachel and I decided we were going to spend the day on the road and explore. So there we were driving all the way down to the beach going to pet stores looking at the animals, and then we drove to dare county and went to the animal shelter and went in this room filled with cats. I remember feeling like with the door shut if these cats wanted to attack us there would be nothing we could do, but that was just fear. Trying to give them all attention that they wanted was a chore in itself. Then we drove further down the beach going to the little shops that we found along the way. The main goal was to find the older stores that have been around for awhile. Then by mid day we drove off the Island onto a ferry and went to a smaller island. I mean it was small, but nice. We choose to walk around looking at all the older stores, and walking up and down the small streets. No this experience doesn’t sound all that interesting, but it was so fun, and I am glad we went on that adventure. Like I said earlier she kept me on my toes, and gave this creative spark. When we broke up all of those great adventures turned into the worst memories because she was in them. It wasn’t until this last relationship when I finally realized the little things in life can make you happy. No we never went on great adventures, but there were a lot of little things that put a smile on my face. I think if I could start over I would go on more adventures, and cherish the little things. I truly believe as a relationship starts and develops we are so focused on love, and what we want the rest of our lives we aren’t looking at that moment and we aren’t cherishing the little things. I think sometimes we are too focused on the big picture that we forget about the things that are right in front of us.
As the days go by and I get another year older I realize that time is running out. My time is being used up. I am so busy now I don’t have time to appreciate the little things or go on those adventures. About two years ago I took a bus ride all the way up to New York although I felt trapped in those bus seats it was a nice trip. As a kid I recall having a lot of road trips driving back and forth from New York to North Carolina or Florida. Those are memories of great experiences for me. Things were so simple. I guess my main point here is to cherish those moments that are right in front of you. If you’re in your first relationship don’t rush things in joy those times. Whether you are or not be adventurous because one day you will get to busy with work, school, and raising a family. You will miss out on a lot of things in your life. I know fear is the mind killer and regret is the soul destroyer, but I have faith that one day I can be that explorer that I once was and that I could have the adventures that I still wish I could have. Maybe even in the next relationship I am in or when I am finished with College. I want to be out in the Wild. I want to see all that my eyes can see. I want to build great memories and talk to amazing people, but I do wish it was easier. I miss those simpler times, but I am not going to give up just yet. I know life will never be as simple as when I was younger but I can try my best.
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