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MAD WORLD

How do you really know when your not depressed? Is it when you walk around each day of your life acting as if everything is alright. You pretend that you are a normal person that can handle all the good and the bad of life. I really don't understand why everything that happens is a mistake, or is it just fate that I am trapped in this bubble of failure. "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad the dreams in which I am dying are the best I have ever had." These are lyrics to a song called MAD WORLD. Honestly I think it's funny when you watch a movie, or listen to a song, and your really focused on it like it's drawing you in closer and closer. You can see that character or imagine those lyrics in your life to be so true. It's like your completely clueless, then you find yourself looking at your life and feeling the pressure of the song, or film. "This is my life, I feel like that" is what you say after looking back. I am so sick of the crap in this life. I can't do anything about it, at all. I am this way, and I feel this way because why? I believe in God, I believe that one day Jesus will return. I know this in my heart, but my head took a left turn some where on this road, and I can't find my way back. I feel like a derailed train every time I try to get back up on the tracks, there is always something there waiting for me, just to knock me off again. I spent this whole entire summer waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. Even at times I have tried to just go out there and grab it with my own to hands, but I can't seem to get near it. What I am talking about is a job, a Career, something I can make money and live on my own. I feel like this....this part of my life is for me to support my future family, and I just can't seem to get it to take off. In less then a month I will be preparing for school again, and I really don't feel ready. I just thought things would be different; things are different for sure, but not the way I thought they would be. Now I am not here trying to complain about my life that would be wrong because I have a lot. I am just trying to figure out how to move on from the depths of this hole I slowly dug for myself. Where do I go from here? I wish I had answers, I wish I could just do, but I feel like my father, just a dreamer, and never a doer. Lucky me I am just now realizing as I get older I am more and more like my father. It's not a bad thing, but it's new for me. Maybe that makes me a little bit sad, all of this does. Do I have depression? I can't tell, maybe it's just the mood of the rut I am in, who knows? The one thing I know is to keep my head up, and look forward, and don't worry about the past so much, and "Maybe things will shape up."

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