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Lesson Learned

      I have these days where I feel so lost and confused about the direction of my life, and then there are these moments of complete clarity. I wish those moments would last, but they always seem to slip through my fingers and I revert back to being lost. It’s crazy the way things can change so quickly. One minute you’re having the greatest of times with someone, and then you close your eyes, and you can only see them through the glass. It is a weird feeling when you know somebody, but they keep you at a distance. For the longest time I felt this peace in my heart when I would lie to myself about who I wanted in my life. The truth is without honesty I am just another mouse in this game. You know that feeling you get where you’re so broken, but you want to see how far you can really fall? I always felt that this was a perfect tool to see who would really care about me. When I did this it was a cry for help. I wanted to see who was going to step up and help me. Oddly it was never my friends at the time. Most of the people that stepped up were complete strangers. It was good to see who was really there for me, and who fell to the way side. I remember them giving me advice and I would get so mad because I didn't want to accept the truth. But low and behold they were right, and I was too stupid to consider what they were telling me at the time. I can blame it on my youth, but really I was just not seeing what they were saying. I was so caught up in the freedom and pleasure I was experiencing I couldn’t even see what I was doing wrong. 


      It is hard to believe four years later and I am on the other side of things, and here I am lost and confused. Moments of clarity come and go. I am not scared to admit that I fell a little too, and I am not really sure if it is worth the risk anymore, but thinking back to the people that were there for me I never noticed once did they show signs of giving up on me, and I couldn’t thank them enough for sticking it through. Looking back on it I see that the way it ended was acceptable. They had to get me to the point where I would fight for myself again, instead of at a previous point giving up all together. I remember it being a struggle, and I am seeing now that this is a struggle.  There is a lot of anger and words said back and forth, but I truly believe the storm will pass one day, and the light will shine again just like it has for me. I notice a lot of people’s advice about my situation is to give up, and let go, but I feel that is the easy way out. It is so easy to walk away from a struggle; the hard part is sticking it through to the very end. That is when you come out with a lesson learned, and hopefully a better friendship. In all honesty the people that helped me along didn’t stick around in my life, and I am not upset with that. I do hope after it is all said and done I can still be around in some way or another, but I guess I will have to accept that my time is over in their lives. I am surly not going to give up when times get rough. As long as I continue to keep moving forward then I believe we can be fine. Well I hope so as well. It has been a long time since I had a true friend, but maybe I have to be that true friend before I can have that as well. Remember that things do come full circle and that it is important that you learn from what you went through in your life. Now this could have happened ten years from now, but that wasn’t my choice, it is happening now, and part of being a good friend is sticking around when they need someone and showing that you care about them even if they get upset with you at times.

Well if you have any advice or would like to comment please do so. I guess I will end with a question. How good of a friend are you willing to be when someone you care about is going through a rough time in their lives?

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