I can feel that this wait is killing me, it's driving me insane. This pain is making me sick. Only six more months, but all I can do is wait. Only six more months! Only SIX MORE MONTHS! That's a long fucking time to be waiting for something. The only thing that I thought of doing was to keep myself busy every single day until then. If not then I'm going to start thinking about that day. Well that will just tear me up inside. I remember a week ago when I got back home to NC after the second day home I start to realize that this will be a long wait, a long fucking boring wait to leave this hell hole. I going crazy and it only as been a week. This is going to be a long wait! I haven't even gotten my script yet, but I guess that can just wait and wait. Everything I get into is a big waiting game. I started to play basketball again and even that is a big waiting game until I'm good again. I don't know what the next couple of months will be about, I don't know if this could be the best days, or most likely the worst days. I can't see so clearly anymore. I feel like I'm just following the crowd, and not asking any questions. When am I ever going to break free from this torment? When will I live for me, and not for the selfish? When can I be the one that can lead this family? I'm just the one that falls behind. I wish I could find something that I can believe in? Is everything fake? Everyone I talk to are so fucking fake I can see it in there eyes, but what can I say I'm the same way. I'm more broken then they are. I can't walk on water no I just sink. Waiting is the worst and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Is this what it takes to make an illusion, or Will this ever come to be the truth? Why do I do the things I do? Why do I dream of these horrible things? I just want to know your view. It hurts to know what is not meant to be real. It hurts never knowing what will hurt next. I don’t want you to forget about me. I don’t ever want to go far away. I want to stick around forever. I want to stand up and fight. I don’t want to lay down and die. I want to be more than a weird nobody. I can’t breath on my own. I can’t stand on my own to feet. I need you more than I can imagine. Tell me that everything is O.K! I wish I could say that everything is alright. We can run away and live on forever. Where ever I go the pain follows my soul. Please make it go away from here. I want us to be free from this rule. I want us to run and never think again. I feel like this is my dream, and When I wake my smile will disappear. I want to say hey, everything is great! I want to hold you and talk of the good thin...
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