JACK'S BLOG

Lately I have been so confused about the things in my life. Everything keeps taking a hit from all different angles, and I am surrounded on all sides. What is happiness for real? Is that when you can hold your head up high, and trust that everything is going to be alright, even when your filled with so much fear you could cut yourself wide open. I can say things seem to work themselves out, and people change. The question is can I change from being accustom to walking broken? Can I open my eyes and change may broken shattered ways? The one thing that I know is that I find myself falling back in the same rut. I will not become my father, I will not become my stepfather, I am much stronger then them. I can feel this nagging in my heart that's telling me to get out of here. I understand that it means out of this state of mind. Am I truly happy? A couple of weeks ago I thought about the question, can I have it all? Well the answer to that is certainly not. In one fail swoop everything ...

How does it feel to swim in your own tears, because I am drowning? I find myself stumbling over myself. Tragedy at the knee's. I can seem to get back on my feet. Be my Thrill Be mine I meant to say this out loud, but my heart is still black and blue. Maybe I was wrong, I only remember being alone. This is where I lye down. Be my everything! Be mine....... Be my thrill ride. Even though I am still running away, This isn't what I meant when I laid down. All I feel is this loneliness, but your the one I found.

So sick of believing in twisted dreams, They over shadow everyone. I so badly wish they were true, because I can't stomach this hurt. Tossing and turning every night, It's so dark in this room, but I can still see your face,  The way I remember it to be. I can't breathe without, you sitting next to me. I wish it was the truth, The way I remember you to be. I close my eyes, and you follow me around. It's like I am cursed. The tears never stop falling, This heart never stops hurting. When I open my eyes, More pills fill my mouth. I am praying I won't dream, I am hoping for the end. This morning is my escape, Today you fade away, Oh how this light is bright, but maybe it's just me, running from you for good. Maybe you still remember me, and maybe I will see you on the other side, but even though I am gone, It doesn't mean all has died.

     "We all get writers block, but I seem to have it strapped to me. Every time I seem to write something I am not impressed, or disappointed. I can really say if what I am going through is considered writer's block, it may be something worse. Writing poetry has been my life, and right now I am just hating the words I ink to paper. Scared honestly. I continue to search for motivation, but there seems to be nothing out there. Normally I have inspiration from music, but that has slowly faded in the background. I feel like my life is so lost right now I don't know how to feel, or what to feel. I think that I am broken. I need repair. I feel like I am in a nightmare. I am searching for new ideas, because that's what it says to do on eHow.com, but I am looking around, and to be honest I wrote about everything that seems important. What can be out there that can spark my interest?        Many things in my life have changed in the last couple of months....

**      "It started with me running from my old room as a kid. I believe I was terrified. I can see myself shaking, there was something evil in my room. I went to go tell my Mother and Step-father, but they didn't believe me. They got really angry with me, it was like I was a kid again, and I would get yelled at for the dumbest things. It took me awhile but I finally convinced my sister that there was something evil in my room. I don't remember if see felt what I felt, but she did have my back. I remember texting my Mother, but she was glued to my Step-fathers decision to be mad at me. She was his Lieutenant in this war, but it wasn't the war they thought, or was it? I recall a party and my house was filled to the rim with people. I talked to some people, and told them about what was in my room. Some choose to see for themselves, but came back mocking me, and laughing at me. One person even suggested to pull out a weegie board. I felt a overwhelming hate agains...

The sky looks so good tonight, besides this fear living inside of my heart, I wish you would have stayed with me. I took my lonely time, And I got prepared for anyone. I kept a steady hand, and I never fell from that broken ledge. Oh God....... Why is this happening to me? I followed all of the simplest rules, All the things you told me to do. Now you took the one thing that meant anything in my life. I'll never feel again. I'll hang up my everything. I'll forever fall. I'll hope this is all pretend, I'll hope this is only in my head. This life could be at it's end. But after all of this torment, I am still amazed, After all you have done, your are still to be praised. You are my only way, You are my truth, and this is my faith. You won't ever go away.

Don't you see what happens when you tell lies, so many people lose there minds. You told me that I was good for you, and made me believe I was. I was so alive, but now I am dead inside. I watch my insides come out..... Oh love make me free, come put your face on me, get me out of bed, help me run from me. Open doors, and show me where to go. Oh love make me believe, I am so jaded make me see. Help me see the good in me. I am still standing, but help me to still stand here. please just prove your real in me. Oh love put your arm around me, Help me to see the heart in me. Give me a reason to breathe. I'll give you my trust, but please don't take it from me. Don't you see what you have been doing to me? You make me feel your heart beat, and then you ripe mine out. Oh Jesus come into me, and make this Love be real, Let it see what I truly feel.

"It has been days since I first saw the movie Into The Wild, and the true story of Christopher McCandless, and his journey into this world. He gave up the sin of money and greed. So I took a walk yesterday (Sunday Jan 31, 2011) and I started to think, what if I just disappeared from my world? What if I destroyed all of my identification and fell off the face of the earth? At this point in my life I feel a lot like McCandless, or Alexander Super-tramp.  I am so sick to my stomach of being let down. I am so tired of waking and praying for my mother to be healthy for once in my life, but she never is, and it's killing me slowly. I am sick of people with all of there money, so stuck up, so angry. This world is the Devil's, and he walks in it. I hate saying this when I am trying my hardest to look for the hope, to trust, and to find Love. It hurts to see everything around me crumble to the ground once again, and have no control to try to stop. I am my sorrow! I thought I was ha...