Dear God,
I hope that you will receive this letter because this is all I have left. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I wanted to say that there is still something swimming inside of me, and I…just thought that it left for good, but you know that isn’t true. I have been propped up to failure, and I lye down a loser. You know that ability you gave us all, and it’s when you can shield yourself from the horrors, and then one day you can see all of the lies, and all of a sudden your conflicted, tormented, disturbed. You start to doubt everything around you. You start to question your every move. I actually got to the point where I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I found ways to lie, and break my own insides. But we are made in your image, right? They ask me how can I be so honest. All I can say to you is that I am a fake, I am not what you made me to be. I know it’s only been a year, but I am a disgrace to everyone around me including you. I feel so horrible I hide it from myself, and I know once I bring this pain back up I will weep like a baby, because it hurts so bad. So I can ask to harden my heart, and I can look at all the wonderful things in my life, and guess what, all that does is push the pain aside. Not dealing with it. I can honestly say I am still broken, yes, after all this time I am still broken. I could ask for help, I can ask you to fix me, but you don’t. It’s all on your time, right? I understand that, but while I wait patiently I am lying to all the people around me. I can’t stop! How rude is it to bring up my problems every single time? They can’t help me! And it’s not fare to them to have to deal with this. Plus there are many other problems in the world. So I lie and say everything is great. I am a little fish in a big ocean. It hurts to admit this to myself, but it’s all I got left. I never thought that losing my friends, losing my love, losing my family, and being completely lost would hurt so much. I just can’t seem to get back on track, I don’t think I was ever on track. I messed up so badly that I can’t even look at you because I feel so bad. I know I should anyways. I know I am suppose to trust that the things I deal with today will help me become a stronger person later. Every morning for me is a lie. I wish I could say I love you, but I just want to hide my eyes. I am fighting this dreadful feeling that is dormant in my head. It’s still a struggle to see your face, because I am drowning in loneliness. I will keep you alive forever if you continue to show me the light. It’s as if I am walking in a daze, and I just want to fade. I so badly want to just bump into somebody, and see what happens. I feel like I am walking this life alone. This is all just one big fight! Does it say that I win? no, it says that you win. If this is true who am I to you? Just a piece of dust on your shoes? What if everything you made in your image was corrupt? I believed in you so much, I believed in love so much. What I am actually thinking at this moment is that your saying “grow up, you baby, quit crying over this mess” is this what you are really thinking or is that the Devil in me? Each day your cross gets farther away. Look at me I am going to a Christian college, and I am broken. I guess it does matter where you go the Devil can get you anywhere. He is playing on all my weakness, and sadly I am losing control. I have hope, but these scars don't seem to heal. Even after forgiving everyone, after forgiving myself. I have the worst thoughts, and I can't stop them. When it's all said and done I really don't know who I am. I feel like my soul is damaged. Look at me getting smart, I know people can't help me, because everyone I've talk to doesn't have an answer for me. Now is it so wrong that I am asking for your help? Because deep down I know that you can fix the brokenness, and your the only one. and Despite the loneliness, and despite the pain I know you still love me......I hope.
I hope that you will receive this letter because this is all I have left. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I wanted to say that there is still something swimming inside of me, and I…just thought that it left for good, but you know that isn’t true. I have been propped up to failure, and I lye down a loser. You know that ability you gave us all, and it’s when you can shield yourself from the horrors, and then one day you can see all of the lies, and all of a sudden your conflicted, tormented, disturbed. You start to doubt everything around you. You start to question your every move. I actually got to the point where I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I found ways to lie, and break my own insides. But we are made in your image, right? They ask me how can I be so honest. All I can say to you is that I am a fake, I am not what you made me to be. I know it’s only been a year, but I am a disgrace to everyone around me including you. I feel so horrible I hide it from myself, and I know once I bring this pain back up I will weep like a baby, because it hurts so bad. So I can ask to harden my heart, and I can look at all the wonderful things in my life, and guess what, all that does is push the pain aside. Not dealing with it. I can honestly say I am still broken, yes, after all this time I am still broken. I could ask for help, I can ask you to fix me, but you don’t. It’s all on your time, right? I understand that, but while I wait patiently I am lying to all the people around me. I can’t stop! How rude is it to bring up my problems every single time? They can’t help me! And it’s not fare to them to have to deal with this. Plus there are many other problems in the world. So I lie and say everything is great. I am a little fish in a big ocean. It hurts to admit this to myself, but it’s all I got left. I never thought that losing my friends, losing my love, losing my family, and being completely lost would hurt so much. I just can’t seem to get back on track, I don’t think I was ever on track. I messed up so badly that I can’t even look at you because I feel so bad. I know I should anyways. I know I am suppose to trust that the things I deal with today will help me become a stronger person later. Every morning for me is a lie. I wish I could say I love you, but I just want to hide my eyes. I am fighting this dreadful feeling that is dormant in my head. It’s still a struggle to see your face, because I am drowning in loneliness. I will keep you alive forever if you continue to show me the light. It’s as if I am walking in a daze, and I just want to fade. I so badly want to just bump into somebody, and see what happens. I feel like I am walking this life alone. This is all just one big fight! Does it say that I win? no, it says that you win. If this is true who am I to you? Just a piece of dust on your shoes? What if everything you made in your image was corrupt? I believed in you so much, I believed in love so much. What I am actually thinking at this moment is that your saying “grow up, you baby, quit crying over this mess” is this what you are really thinking or is that the Devil in me? Each day your cross gets farther away. Look at me I am going to a Christian college, and I am broken. I guess it does matter where you go the Devil can get you anywhere. He is playing on all my weakness, and sadly I am losing control. I have hope, but these scars don't seem to heal. Even after forgiving everyone, after forgiving myself. I have the worst thoughts, and I can't stop them. When it's all said and done I really don't know who I am. I feel like my soul is damaged. Look at me getting smart, I know people can't help me, because everyone I've talk to doesn't have an answer for me. Now is it so wrong that I am asking for your help? Because deep down I know that you can fix the brokenness, and your the only one. and Despite the loneliness, and despite the pain I know you still love me......I hope.
Love your twisted Individual
Comments
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17
God bless.