I never thought after months of trying to piece back
together my life that things can possibly go alright again. In the last couple
of years I have certainly experienced my share of bad news. I just never
thought that a horrible disaster could possible happen to become whole again.
But the question is, is it really coming to be back to normal or is it just all
a dream? I have had my share of those as well. It could just be a figment of my
imagination something that looks good, but it really is the start to something
bad. A couple of weeks ago a friend came up to me after I passed him as I was
taking a walk and he asked if I believe that God has control of the path I am
on. Without thinking about it much I shook my head up and down, and said yes.
Later on the way back from the walk I started to think about it. I have been
through a lot in the last couple of years. Was it God pulling the strings to
form me into something more? The truth was I couldn’t really explain the way I
feel or what I have been through. I often wondered whether I was supposed to be
dragging along the dirt in pain in order to finally see the light. Although
everything isn’t a dream world right now things have changed for the better. My
problem mainly is trying my best to stay on track. I am very good at losing all
that I have built in the past couple of years. I lost it all once before and
the idea of falling down that path again would be devastating. I have wasted so
much time of my life trying to piece back together something that was never
meant to be reassembled. I often wonder whether I should close my eyes let my
body free and let God have complete control of me. (1John 1:9 “If we confess
our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from
all unrighteousness.”) It has been awhile
since I really felt that I could accept the forgiveness that God has for me, I
was ashamed in myself of the things that I was perusing and although I was up
front and honest with God I had this feeling that if God loves me this much,
how could I possibly continue to break his heart and live with myself. No I
wasn’t thinking about ending my life, but I needed to take a step back and get
my life in order. I had to fight for all that I wanted and God was someone I
wanted in my life. But it was never easy, I had to gravel and dig deep inside
of myself. I found it to be very painful. This brought up a lot of things from
my past and they were staring me in the face. Instead of deciding to run from
my fears and pains like I always do I chose to stand strong and conquer these
demons. In one instant I felt complete loss in words, and all my thoughts and
feelings became this mossy mess, and I couldn’t even hold myself up. I really
felt like I was beaten down and nothing could ever place this shattered heart
in one piece again. Let me tell you the entire time I knew God was with me
helping me along, and the most amazing thing was that he was very patient with
me. Something as a young Christian I knew about but haven’t experienced it
quite like this before. (2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his
promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any
should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”) Now even though
it has only been a couple of weeks since I have felt this reemergence of love,
faith and acceptance it really has changed some bad parts of my life. After two
years of struggling I have finally found a Job that I can work all summer, and
I have made a plan for my life and I intent to keep it no matter what. If I can
take anything from this experience it is the fact that this is a war and it is
fight to the death. I could have easily rolled over and given up, but as a
solider I continue to fight. If it wasn’t for God patting me on the back and
encouraging me every step of the way I couldn’t say that I would be at this
moment right now. Thank God. I want to thank all of my readers I know it has
been awhile since I have posted something like this, but I am going to try to
work around my life to encourage again. Hopefully I can start on some Poetry
soon. Please be strong and put your trust in God because he is faithful and He
will wait patiently for you every day of your life.
rain falls from the blackness in the sky, the water soaks the earth. here we stay a float, but slowly we are drowning. the mud grabs us by the ankles, pulling us into the ground. everyday is a struggle to move. With all of these days, we carry out this weight, walking closer to the pavement. we tippy toe across the marsh, crashing faster each time. crushed to our knees, our hearts slow to a beat. we question our strength, savoring every last drop, like the very last scotch. and at the end of the day, when the moon covers the view. your soft hand pressures, then squeeze’s these muscles and slowly cracks the bones, you push down upon me, I pray you don’t break me. With all the pain and agony, we continue to push forward, but we question our lives, always struggling to stand up straight. fearing our inevitable fate. carrying this horrible weight. Note; In all honesty this is about the world and the struggle to live, have faith in God, but the weight some t...
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