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My Reemergence

I never thought after months of trying to piece back together my life that things can possibly go alright again. In the last couple of years I have certainly experienced my share of bad news. I just never thought that a horrible disaster could possible happen to become whole again. But the question is, is it really coming to be back to normal or is it just all a dream? I have had my share of those as well. It could just be a figment of my imagination something that looks good, but it really is the start to something bad. A couple of weeks ago a friend came up to me after I passed him as I was taking a walk and he asked if I believe that God has control of the path I am on. Without thinking about it much I shook my head up and down, and said yes. Later on the way back from the walk I started to think about it. I have been through a lot in the last couple of years. Was it God pulling the strings to form me into something more? The truth was I couldn’t really explain the way I feel or what I have been through. I often wondered whether I was supposed to be dragging along the dirt in pain in order to finally see the light. Although everything isn’t a dream world right now things have changed for the better. My problem mainly is trying my best to stay on track. I am very good at losing all that I have built in the past couple of years. I lost it all once before and the idea of falling down that path again would be devastating. I have wasted so much time of my life trying to piece back together something that was never meant to be reassembled. I often wonder whether I should close my eyes let my body free and let God have complete control of me. (1John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”) It has been awhile since I really felt that I could accept the forgiveness that God has for me, I was ashamed in myself of the things that I was perusing and although I was up front and honest with God I had this feeling that if God loves me this much, how could I possibly continue to break his heart and live with myself. No I wasn’t thinking about ending my life, but I needed to take a step back and get my life in order. I had to fight for all that I wanted and God was someone I wanted in my life. But it was never easy, I had to gravel and dig deep inside of myself. I found it to be very painful. This brought up a lot of things from my past and they were staring me in the face. Instead of deciding to run from my fears and pains like I always do I chose to stand strong and conquer these demons. In one instant I felt complete loss in words, and all my thoughts and feelings became this mossy mess, and I couldn’t even hold myself up. I really felt like I was beaten down and nothing could ever place this shattered heart in one piece again. Let me tell you the entire time I knew God was with me helping me along, and the most amazing thing was that he was very patient with me. Something as a young Christian I knew about but haven’t experienced it quite like this before. (2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”) Now even though it has only been a couple of weeks since I have felt this reemergence of love, faith and acceptance it really has changed some bad parts of my life. After two years of struggling I have finally found a Job that I can work all summer, and I have made a plan for my life and I intent to keep it no matter what. If I can take anything from this experience it is the fact that this is a war and it is fight to the death. I could have easily rolled over and given up, but as a solider I continue to fight. If it wasn’t for God patting me on the back and encouraging me every step of the way I couldn’t say that I would be at this moment right now. Thank God. I want to thank all of my readers I know it has been awhile since I have posted something like this, but I am going to try to work around my life to encourage again. Hopefully I can start on some Poetry soon. Please be strong and put your trust in God because he is faithful and He will wait patiently for you every day of your life.

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