So these are the days of our lives where we are supposed to take pride in all the choices we have made this far. We we are not supposed to doubt. "we are to young to doubt" These days are just another way we can show that this life we have is so beautiful and perfect in God's eyes. At the end of the day what are we supposed to think when everything that we have loved comes crumbling down, and you find yourself tripping over your own feet? Where is God when you can't even control the direction you are to go? We are supposed to be strong and have faith in God and all that he wants for our lives. We are supposed to give him everything that is ours in surrender. I understand why we need to struggle, but I don't get why we need to be completely heart broken. How can love this great and powerful thing when it's lost turn us from the good guy to the enemy? We can grow up being so pure but then we are launched into this sickness disease that infects everything around us. How can we ever experience what love truly is if we can't even grasp how much God really loves us?
The day my heart changed it was an amazing thing because I went from this bitter, angry person that became outraged with everyone and everything. I felt a difference in my heart. Even though there was a part of that wanted to do good, but I was just so bad at it. I can still remember going out to parties with my friends after rehearsals. I can remember being this complete ass and lost everything that I was, but again there was something in me that would stop me from making the choice to drink or do drugs. There was something buried so deep inside of me a law or something. It stopped me from doing something that I would regret. Anyways this change happened where I was a nice person, just like that. There was no way I could explain it, so that must have been God. Started to feel this love inside of me like no other. I didn't need the Bible to tell me how I needed to act towards others, or who I need to be it was inside of me all along I just needed to accept God in my life. That love is irreplaceable. That love can't ever be touched.
So we are supposed to walk with our heads held high and trust that God will prevail in our lives, and in love. I am not against trusting God, but a part of me is telling me if I want something I need to go out there and get it, just like I did with God. I can't sit around hoping that God is going to bring this change into my life. I have to make the change myself and that is only my choice. Even when the days get foggy and I can barley see where I am going anymore. Some times we need to make the choice to change the things in our lives. So I did I searched out my love, and the lesson I have learned is failure at all ends. I never thought that after five months things would still be dead in the water. So I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed again. I felt that I should keep clawing my way to my goal, but I still fell face first in the dirty. Finally a month later I prayed and I put my foot down. Now I don't really have an answer, but from what I have learned is that you shouldn't test God. But I feel like if I never test or let him in on my life he will never be there. I have to show Him that I want him in all aspects of my life. I have to show him that I trust him with this part of my life 100%.
This post took a little over five months to write. I have tried to take some time to see whether something like love would stick around. From what I have learned love has stuck around, but in a different way then I imagined. My expectations didn't live up, but I took my time and found that I may not know what God has for my future, but I do know there is real love from him. I guess I can't expect someone to take the time to give me a second chance. I am trusting God here. So when I get my answer I should know where I should keep fighting for my love or should I finally throw in the white towel. Whatever the answer is I trust that God is working behind the scenes, and he is doing what is best for me.
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