JACK'S BLOG

I don't like this place no more. I don't like this town. There is nothing left here for me. I just want to leave so bad, but I'm stuck. I want to walk on my own two feet. I want see my family. I'm sick of being held back. I don't fit in with nobody. What happens when I succeed? What happens when I make the big dream? Then What? It doesn't change the fact that I'm just another person with no friends. I'm just someone that is wasting away with nobody. How am I suppose to live like this? What the hell am I suppose to do? How do I get passed this emptyiness? This life is not suppose to be like this. Where is my mind? It hurts so bad, I wish it would just go away. I wish I could end this saddness. I wish I could be me again. I wish it would go back to the way it used to be. I'm so cold I don't know what to do. What do I do now? What am I going to do when this is all over? Please help me I have nothing left. Please be the one ...

These words are sparks, blood dripping from my head. It's hard to polish this evil onto this white cotton. The hate is how this face is turning. All of what's wrong is always what I'll be. It's what I had that will be gone forever. The scrambled words lost in the shuffle. I continue to write myself into this bad story. Just do what they say or they will take it away. Take these pieces of what will never be. Always follow the leaders, you live by there rules. I can't remember anything, anyone that was here. I can't stand this, it's the hurt that is real. It's the burning fire that can't be put out. It's the perfectly straight wire that can't be bent. It's the loud words that can't be heard. As dark as this sounds the pain is still here. Always wrong that's who I am and that's who I'll become. At the same time you meet me you'll walk away. I'm the loser, so come beat me at will. I'm always let ...

I would like to be serious for a second and say a couple of things that are on my mind at the moment. I don't really know how much I can take. It's this job, school and all the bad news about people I care about. I can't take it anymore. I have no food, no gas, no money. How is this not depressing? It seems to be like this every year. I really don't think I can live like this for another year. I mean who can? I'm fucking sick of this life. I work my ass off to get nothing at all. When is all of this going to pay off? The truth is that it's not! I'm going to be struggling through life for years. Nobody wants a writer that can't even afford to get out of the crap I'm in. Let me be real, four years of fucking school is a waste of my time. In the end it won't get me nothing, not a job, not a family, not money. It's just another thing that's in my way. I mean sixteen years of my life is gone and I don't have a damn thing to show for it. I...

I find myself busy, I haven't had time to write anything besides papers for class. I have one more week until I'm done until next year. I'm hoping to have nothing to do for once. I wish I could just go out and hang out with my friends. I went out in the cold last night and played basketball for the first time in awhile. I made some shots, but got beat in three different games. Hopefully I can get back in shape so I can win more. I recently started to listen to Sondre Lerche. I really like his music it's creative, and smart. I haven't seen any new movies lately. Last week I seen Smart People. I thought it was great, that is a must buy. Talk about a movie about real life and feelings. I love Ellen Paige's performance in the movie. I also seen Get Smart not the funniest comedy, Steve Carrel was great. I'm mad that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson isn't doing action movies anymore. This was another movie I liked him in, my favorite was DOOM. Now I'm ...

I am just a kid fighting the world with his bare hands. I am so choked up on the words that are spoken. I hit you with my fist and my broken heart. I am just not good at falling apart. I am not very good at believing the lies. I am not very good at following behind. I am not very good at hiding my anger. I am not very good at letting it out. I am just a man broken at the knees. I keep on punching, but I am losing my desire to bleed. I wasn’t meant to bleed for me. I wasn’t meant to race these dreams. I wasn’t meant to lose sleep over hurt. I fall with a blow to the head, it hurts worse than it sounds. I find it hard to get back up this time. I am just not very good at war. I am not very good at remembering things. I am not very good at paying attention. I am not very good at speaking the truth. I am just as broken as you would imagine. I have bled my strength, there is nothing left. I can’t fight for me, but for you it would be an honor.

I'm sorry for everyday that I'm here. I dream of these selfish things, but what were you hoping for? I sit alone forever knowing. I won't be here forever, so don't give away the end. This is the only thing I know to do. Is to sit here wishing for you, so please don't fail me now. One more step to the edge. My knee's are weak, and there is nothing left to breathe. There is nothing left to see, yet I'm still sorry for this day. I hate the things I like to say. Today is the best day to go away. I have nothing left to say. I'm tired of waiting for something that will never come around. I'm tired of waiting for someone that doesn't exist. Why can't this hurt be through? Why is the pain so true?

I'm Currently writing three short stories; The Devil's Solider, One Christmas Eve Night part 1, One Christmas Eve Night part 2: Nightmare , and Blood part 1. I'm mostly done with OCEN pt 1 and 2 I'm just editing them. I began The Devil's Solider about two years ago. It was originally going to be a novel, but I decided to make it a short story. I really don't know what Blood is about besides The main character beginning to turn into a Vampire. I wanted to try to make it up as I go. The last big thing I'm writing is the Screenplay for OCEN . I should be finished about Christmas time. I never really had an interest in scary movies, until about three years ago. I used to just write poetry, but I wanted to challenge myself by writing scary stories. I have to be honest and say I have gotten more and more creative in 2005 when a show called Supernatural began. Another thing that I wanted to say was that the idea of OCEN was from Supernatural's Christmas e...

I'm losing a little bit of me inside. All of the breakdowns drive them to hide. I'm wandering around hoping to find something that will never be true. My mind is spinning away from me. I can't see what's in front of me. I tried to be someone else, but the pain doesn't go nowhere else. I WANT TO BREAK!! I want to fall to my knee's. I want to scream out loud. I can't take this anymore. I'm stuck in this hole, and there is nobody to dig me out. With my back up against the wall, I can't see my dreams when your standing in my way. I'm staring at the future begging for the past. I know the good times, but they don't ever last. I WANT TO BREAK!! I want to fall to the floor. I want to scream out loud. I don't think I can take this anymore! My heart is still beating, but my breathing is getting weaker with all of this weight on top of my chest. I keep on fighting these angels wrestling these demons to the ground. I keep on walking until I los...

It feels like I've lost you. It feels like your gone. These shadows are getting darker. These lights are getting longer. I am falling through this darkened sky at the same time I am blind. I fight for you, the one who knows how bad these things get. This empty mind with this broken soul just keeps fighting with this heartless home. Come over to my life only you can make this right. It's not the same I have changed can't speak, nor hear. Yet my body keeps fighting through this harden cement. Yet my body keeps fighting through these walls of brick. I am so closed up in these tight spaces But Life goes on!

There is so much that needs to be done, every time I lift my head I'm crushed from within. I really can't say how much more I can take. I wish it would just go away, but I know that the hurt follows me. I feel like I'm trapped and the words don't come out, but I continue to scream and shout. I wish I did more to help my life, I wish I would have changed my earlier years. I blame myself for doing nothing. Like I always do, yet I still walk around my room acting stupid just like I know to do. I hope to God I find out what's wrong, before it's to late. I seem to meet the people that are out to get me in the end. Everyone Lies, and Nobody can be trusted. Why should I open my eyes when there is never anything good to see? I'm in this car crash nightmare with know one to help me. I take this time to figure this out, I take this time to shut my mouth. How many times do I have to be stuck in this bad luck life? How many times am ...

All heads on deck because this ship was meant to sink. Breathing deeply walking blind into this blood fight. There voices slowly faded away in a shouting match. Waking up again with my throat slit to my confidence. Open up wide this reality is just a bad fucked up dream. These memories make me cry the ones I don't remember. Believe me when I say this train is going nowhere fast. Yelling words to suffocate to in this shattered broken home. Only if I can stand when I get back up off my knee's. I'm falling into this white room trapped in my head forever. I can't run from these cuts and bruises you left to me. I'm fading into invisible in this empty world. Staring into my eye's there is to much of nothing. Living images in this crash course shattered life. If you could taste what I can feel then you wouldn't forget me. I'm tripping on something called nothing at all. I'm cheating so deeply with this broken bottle shattered glass. It's a dark night an...

I can't say no, but I have to leave you I'm tired of this life It means I don't want to hurt you I just want to walk away clean. A better man A new me! I don't want to say no, but you keep letting me down I'm finding everything wrong I want to believe that everything can be right to believe that everyone can change I don't have much faith It's a negative energy that pushes me away. I don't have to say no, but It's the only thing I know The one thing I still own. It's better to say goodbye take what's left and run run so far from this nothing you hold so dearly to your heart It hurts to watch pain It hurts to lose tears I'm saying no, but I don't know if it will last my back is on the ropes The brain is caving in. Living is so damn difficult dying is so damn simple. Losing is so damn easy Winning is so damn hard. If you love me won't you let me go.

I was scared, I was scared When the words just slip out There is no stopping them. I keep a look out for my chance I'm holding back from you Please put a smile on my face. This is all my dream, just a dream I'm here alone with nobody Where do I go? knowbody knows. I'll come up to meet you I can't live with out you Nobody said this was easy Nobody said this was hard I was just lonie hoping, Hoping to hold you. Please put a smile on my face. The truth is that I'm looking, I'm looking every where for you I started looking in the bedroom In the old house, In your old room The truth is that I miss you. I'm still walking tall, too tall With my head still down. I wish I could crawl back to you Into your open arms. The truth is I cry everyday Please put a smile on my face. I'm hanging on to the past, Jumping into the future to fast. I'm going to buy our house to remember you I'm going to buy our house and burn it to the ground. So our remembers with floa...

A Little girl died today! I'm writing this to say goodbye. She had so much strenght. She had so much fight. A Beautiful little girl she was. She was so smart, and happy. I wish I could have said goodbye. She was oh so special, Why did it have to be her?, She was perfect!

I saw this play twice and thought that the acting was missing something. It felt as if the actors weren't acting in the moment. Some of the action scenes were lacking a little more force, I hope they weren't trying to dull it down for us young folk. I did like the direction of the play, I did hear that there was going to be blood, I didn't see any. To be honest in the middle of the play the music came on and I couldn't hear the actors. Big cast, Shocking that mostly everyone was young. On thursday one of the actors didn't show up, not good, the guy that showed up did well for just stepping in that role. I have to say overall it was put together very well. I hope COA Can do more plays along this line.

I feel that the true me is hiding inside of me, and I'm so scared to let it out. Everything you think you know about Chris Caputi is most likely wrong, I'm here to set him free. I feel like Chris is something your forced to wear, He wakes up everyday of his life and hides whatever he is feeling inside. The pain, The hate, oh there is so much hate. He hides everything down, and I am forced to deal with it because I'm trapped in this body. This is the same guy that can't speak to women and really feels that starting to go to Church is going to make him better. This is the same guy that for gave is father, but what I feel inside is the truth. Writing is stupid little poems thinking that all his hurt and pain will just go away. This is the same guy when he sees someone he hates we shuts his mouth, and walks away. He is really afraid of being alone for the rest of his life. The truth is that nobody really likes him, he really thinks that he is going to be a great writer. Be...

This is from me the only one that Isn't known. It hurts to watch you wonder the truth I know I'm not perfect, I'm no Saint. I'm the one that nobody likes I'm no truth, I'm the fake I lie to the face. This the real me the Jack of all trades. The pain hurts you more, I just laugh in your face. I can be your worst enemy, I'm no Friend. I am the thing you hide away. I am the one that will knock you down. I am the truth. The seven sins wrapped in only one. I am the Greed that never goes away. I am the Pride that stabs you in the heart. I am the Envy that wants it all. I am the Lust that causes you to F**k I am your Gluttony that laughs when you fall. I am the Anger that builds in your life. I am the Sloth that that runs you into the ground. I am Jack!

Please explain to me how this world has come to be so ruthless! How is his money a need more than staying alive? How did this world fall so far? How did we crash and burn? Please explain to me how this world has come to be so crazy! What a beautiful let down and disappointment to fight against everyone. How is this world so weak? Why do we act so strong, but when we get hit we fall apart? We believe in a savior, but we never get saved. Why do we create so much chaos? Why do we get mad when it comes back to sting us? How do you kill on day and love the next? Why do we risk are lives for things that don't make sense, and not for your loved ones? Please explain to me how this world has come to be so cruel! Why are we so broken? How can we be filled with so much hate? Why are we so angry? Please explain to me how this world has come to be a violent war zone? Why do we get so much, but never give back? Why do we create and build, but then we destroy? Please explain this to me?

I really don't say much about what I watch on TV, but I would like to start. I'm not trying force anybody to watch this show. I have to say if you like Horror, Action, Drama, lots of Comedy, and some Romance. If you like Great Acting, Great Writing, Great Directing. If you like a crew that busts there ass to put on a great show. Then this is the show for you. If your a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or Angel, or maybe Smallville then you should watch this show. It's right after Smallville on Thursday nights at 9:00 pm on the CW.

You hold me back and it hurts so bad, I just want to disappear. You knock me down and I'm forced to pick myself up. The words you speak hurt me, but I have nothing to say. The only thing I can do his turn my head and walk away. The only thing I can do is shut my mouth and turn away. You talk with negativity and slam my hopes in the ground. You talk to me, but there is nothing to say. Why don't you talk to me? You hurt my ego, You hurt my pride! I'm just another person you toss to the ground. It's hard to see you this way, There is nothing I can do, or say that would make this pain go away. The words you say don't make sense, I'm broken enough, this is just make it worse.

Today I'm leaving this bullshit town. I'm leaving everyone behind, the ones I love and the one's I hate. I'm leaving what I'm used to. Today I'm leaving this boring ghost town. I'm leaving the one's that are trapped. I'm leaving these faces forever. I'll never understand why, the perfect words are screaming out, but the meanings are trapped in me. Today I'm leaving this worthless cirus town. I'm leaving these memories, and never looking back. I'm leaving a nightmare, no more hidding. I'm looking for this complication. I'm looking for every failure. I'm looking for my need. I'm looking for my lover. I'm looking for this new me. Today I'm leaving this waste land.

Why would anyone want to save me? Who am I to be saved? I'm just a regular guy. With a regular Job. Why am I so damn special? I lie, I cheat, I steal just like everyone else. Why save a person that carries so much pain? Why believe when there is no good to see? How am I supose to love when this heart is broken? I am no Angel. I am no Saint. I am knowbody. I am a fake. Is this what it means to accepted? Let me shut my mouth. Let me hold my breath. Let me fall instead.

What a crazy world that we live in these days, nothing seems to be good. I'm back up against a wall and there is no way out. How does one fight through the pain of these days? How does one keep his head high when he is forced to watch his back? When will this nightmare end? I can't believe that there are so many good things, but one bad thing can put you in a hole. Please explain to me how this world has come to be so cruel?