JACK'S BLOG

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In the beginning of 2011 I wrote a post in which I called this year to be the year in question. The question is, was it really? The truth is 2011 surprised me to the fullest. This year I struggled with a lot of things, but as of now days before 2012, I am pretty damn happy about this year. I once wondered if I would ever find someone that I could love and trust. The answer to that is I found so much more. I found beauty. At one point of this year I felt that I have finally found my other half. I found the girl that was going to love me no matter what. I found that I can lose her just as fast as I found her way back on January 23. I am not here to get all sad and tell you how I want to end my life; in fact it’s just the opposite. I learned a great lesson, and that is there are people out there that have love in their hearts. Even though it didn’t work out, and it has been really hard letting her go. I mean I think about her a lot. I still care about her life even though I am not in it ...

This is what I came here for, to lay my hurt upon your floor. I am here to open the new ones, And close all of these broken doors. I came to see this beauty in your eyes, I came here to spend the most joyous of times. I am here to play all the greatest songs. As we dance what could go wrong? This is what I came here for, I came here for you. So this is my love, I will display it on the table. And this is my soul, I will hang it on the window. You were the strings on my heart… These are the knives that broke it apart. These are the hands that where once scared. But they have already bled out. This is what I came here for, to spend this time with you, No matter how bad this pain hurts.

I always believed that I was a good person at heart. I know at one point in my life my mouth didn’t reinforce that to well. I believe that I am the type of person that is buried inside himself, and the reason for this is because it seems that everyone that I come in contact with know how to kick me while I am down. I know I have a lot of problems but the one thing that I am missing is those people that stick by your side no matter what is happening in your life. Those friends that actually want to spend time with you. I am the type of person that cares way too much, and maybe that has costs me some friendships along the way. In my life I made two really bad decisions, and that was wasting four years chasing a dream, and asking a girl to marry me that clearly didn’t love me like I loved her. These were bad mistakes that I can never take back. I understand that I am struggling in my life, and I think everyone that reads this blog needs to know that as well. After two days thinking about...

We woke up with broken hearts, This tore are souls apart. She walked down the aisle, And there was glass at her feet. She decided to walk and bleed, Instead of sticking with me. I yelled across the Church for her, But she was content with the cuts. Deep and shallow they bled, She said “they feel better than having a life with you” You may bleed all the way to the alter, But these scars will hurt me forever. We died in that moment, We were buried in our dirt. We didn’t dance until the morning light, We never stuck around until we got it right. She followed her most personal dreams, I prayed that, this was the dream, But the truth was this was the end.

These dreams are fading inside, And the lights are going dim. I keep on looking back, But this is already done. These pressures are weighing in, And these hatreds are causing pain. I keep on fighting through the hunger, As I continue falling and stumbling, But this has already been gone. You can slur your hurtful speech, And you can mean nothing to me, But you will never take me down. Now that those days are finished, I can finally be the man I was meant to be. And when the smoke finally clears, I’ll still be standing.

What if I can’t be what you want me to be? What if we have a lot of things going on, And some promises to keep? What if everything is the way that it should be? I never meant to cause you all this grief. I have this itching inside of me, That is scratching at my seams. I hope I can come unattached from myself, And I look back and forget the past. So what if we never get out of this furnace? Will we get out of this little hell? My best chips are lying in front of you, And my cards have all been drawn. So when we leave this tragedy, We can disconnect ourselves, And bury these so called memories. And this is my wooden casket, And my pain is all I have in it.

I heard the Church bells chiming, And the waves of chaos crashed on shore, And our hearts collided together, And they shattered like ceramics. But we found each other in the dark, And we hid flesh felt thoughts. No more escape for the light inside. But our souls kept climbing higher. Our words played by all the fine line rules, And we still came out swinging. Our love has since fallen through the cracks, And we believed every lie about ourselves, But now we deserve are loneliness. She was every man’s fantasy, And I was nothing but a wasted memory. When I heard the heavens calling, And together we continued falling, Until we fell straight back to the bottom.

I think I can be a ghost, It’s so easy to disappear in the background. Where everyone forgets I am even there. I will just be that crazy sound you hear, And I will be nothing more. You can make me into a mirror, Now that you know I am shattered, You won’t have to pick up the pieces. But in this darkness I feel the most alone. Please don’t let them shallow me whole. You can even crush me into dirt, And stomp all over my hurt, You can slit my throat, Please I hope that you don’t. I can be the ring on your finger, Wrapped around so tight, I’ll hang on with all my might. But I can see this darkness eating my soul, And I don’t ever want to let you go. Can’t I believe again, Just Once? Until then, just let my heart beat itself still, And then I will finally go at God’s will.

Okay, first off I am not going to pretend I know one thing about Girls, because as a young male I am completely confused. There are many ways that I can go at this topic. Before I go on and on I just want to say to all the girls out in the world, no matter what age or race that, you are beautiful. With what I can understand with the girls that I have dated and the one’s I have talked to on a daily basis, that there is a lot of self-esteem issues going on. From what I can gather this stems from the way your father treats you as your growing up. The reason I am writing about this is because I want to let you all know what I feel and think about it. Every single one of you girls are beautiful, and you need to see that yourselves. The last couple of relationships I have had there was always the same question that they had “Am I Beautiful?” While one girl continued to tell me that she wasn’t good enough for me, that I needed to be with someone prettier. She even wanted me to look at other ...

How do you know that she is the right one for you, and does God feel the same way? In my experience with dating as a Christian, it is so easy to fall for someone you like, and put them first in your life. I know how to make a girl feel special, I know how to make them laugh, and give them the attention that they deserve. But that’s where the problem lies; I continue to lose sight of God, and making him number one in my life. I think the true problem is that I don’t know how to treat someone I am in love with like they aren’t the center of my life. I don’t know how to put them number two. I have this feeling in my gut that if I don’t focus on them that I might lose them. Trust me God truly knows how to let you know that you’re not putting him first in a relationship. In the middle of this relationship I had this internal struggle with myself, and God was really trying to tell me something, and I just didn’t get it until now that relationship is over. “He is jealous for me, Loves like ...

I feel like I can walk out of the door, and get stabbed in the heart at any moment, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know I keep bringing up this subject, but I really feel it weighing on my heart. The subject of going out in the world, and finding someone that I can put my trust in, and love them unconditionally, and not have them hurt me in the end. It's always a good feeling when you get some type of clarity in your life. As soon as I got my heart shattered again I realized that it's not her fault. Of course I have my moments where I am completely lost, angry, and sad. From these moments I say or write things that are mean, and hurtful. Honestly, I have done this before with another girl that didn't deserve my poor behavior. I have a hard time holding my tongue, because I just want to get my feelings out. Since this winter break began I started talking with about four different people from my past, and one I would like to talk to, but I never wanted to force a...

Do you feel this love gripping you, or is this stress crushing you? There is so much beauty, but her pride keeps her blind. This is the turning point, This is my favorite part, because I know I am not just here to die. I am not here to lie, even though you like too. do you have the drive, or are you slowly losing time? So we can run through, so this is what you truly want to do? I see that you have already replaced me, he may be better, but he isn't me. Is it possible to say I miss you, and that I may have cut to deep, the scars won't stop bleeding. is it possible that you would still save me?

Talk about getting hit while you are already down on the ground. It is bad enough that I already feel so horrible, today I got news that a friend passed away this morning. I wonder why I am living in such a tragedy these days. I went from completely happy about where my life was going to crawling on my knees hopeless. I remember when I thought that Christmas was the happiest time of the year, but for the past three years it has been the most depressing. It seems that once I get the chance to see the light, darkness rears it's ugly head. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I don't know what is happening to me, but what I can figure is that I am back to being shattered inside, and there is a hole inside my heart. I can feel my insides and I am so weak right now, and I am losing to my thoughts. I understand that it is time to be joyful, but I am not feeling it. I remember when I was sitting down with a friend, and we started talking about how we felt about starting a f...

I’ll give my heart up to the flames, But I don’t know the first thing about love. I watch my skin burn in this fire, And the melting of my dream. My stone heart still bleeds, Even after it has been shattered. I would have laid down my life, But I don’t know the first thing about you. I can finally breathe in this air, But my sword has pierced this hole. Emptiness flows inside of me, Like a small animal searching for shelter, But this home is cold. I wish I knew all of you, But it turns out these memories, Are just the dreams I wished for, So may years before.

I may not be this millionaire that everyone wants to become or this bad ass that women follow around like gods. I have my faults, who doesn’t? but why do I deserve to be broken, yet again? Why can’t I find a woman that will be there when I am struggling with life problems or someone that would love to hear what I have to say? Why God? Why can’t I find a girl that is a true Christian that will lift me up when I am down, that will pray for me on the spot? I know I need a woman that is willing to straighten me out when I get off track, and I will do the same when she is off track. Sometimes it’s really hard to look at this as a simple lesson because all I can think about his her…My dreams become these nightmares where I dream about her, and all I do is toss and turn all night. I find myself writing stupid little letters that most likely don’t mean a thing to her. The problem is I don’t know how to give her, her space. Someone told me once that I need to find happiness outside a relat...

After almost a full year in a relationship, and now it has come to and end. Trust me when I say that your life can change just like that, so keep your head up at all times. My question is after building on something I thought was love...but I was wrong, after the break up, Where do you go from there? The truth is I don't have an answer. I feel like I wrote this already, maybe I did. Like I said in earlier posts I finally felt happy this year...well until 10:45 am Friday December 9, 2011. At that moment I went from happy to depressed in one fail swoop. My life has turned upside down. A day later I started cleaning out the things that were no longer mine. It's a weird feeling, It's like your ripping out just part of your heart, to give it back to her. Just knowing that whole inside of you is freshly ripped open, makes me want to vomit. I really believe I can come back from this, but I really don't think I'll be dating any time soon...give me about 5 to 10 years, and ...

We are breaking up with our faults aside. We believed that life was for the loved, But we have fallen so far. We brushed at our throats, The words fell just short, Before we were mopping up the floors. This time I begged at the doorway, I saw you crying in the bathroom, You had the water running, But our hearts were shattered. I could speak from my tongue, But I was never sure if you would hear me. I took the wrong turns, I opened the wrong doors. What could I say that would explain my mistakes? How can I show you that we weren’t supposed to change? You are all that I need, And I need you more than ever. I would die if I lost you forever.