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Still Looking.....

I feel like I can walk out of the door, and get stabbed in the heart at any moment, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know I keep bringing up this subject, but I really feel it weighing on my heart. The subject of going out in the world, and finding someone that I can put my trust in, and love them unconditionally, and not have them hurt me in the end. It's always a good feeling when you get some type of clarity in your life. As soon as I got my heart shattered again I realized that it's not her fault. Of course I have my moments where I am completely lost, angry, and sad. From these moments I say or write things that are mean, and hurtful. Honestly, I have done this before with another girl that didn't deserve my poor behavior. I have a hard time holding my tongue, because I just want to get my feelings out. Since this winter break began I started talking with about four different people from my past, and one I would like to talk to, but I never wanted to force a friendship on her. Anyways it's great to see how much we have all grown up in the past couple years. That one girl, I am not saying any names, but I am very proud of her. Although she hurt me once upon a time it doesn't matter anymore. It puts a smile on my face to see that she is happy. I don't know what it is with me, I like seeing other people happy even if I am not. I hope that one day I can find that in myself for this last girl.
Everyone tells me that God has someone special for me, but I have a hard time believing that it's just going to be that easy. I mean my last two girlfriends were special, very beautiful, very talented, and I loved them a lot, and still do, but if I can run into two beautiful girls that I find amazing, and they aren't the ones for me, then what are the odds of this every happening? I can wander out in the world for years hoping to stumble upon the one women that will stay faithfully by my side.
When I look back on reading these posts I always laugh because I never realize how bad I want to find true love, and to be content with my life, start a family..until I read these. I mean I don't sit around talking about it all the time. It doesn't even come up in a conversation normally. My poetry doesn't reflect it at all. Maybe I am just looking to hard that I am completely blind to whats in front of me. Maybe it's just not my time, yet. Maybe it will never happen, but whatever it is I guess I am still looking.....

Comments

Rebecca Nelson said…
I totally know where you are coming from on this. I dont know if you knew this or not, but I was married before. It was fine but then he turned physically abusive and I couldnt take it anymore. Then I found someone great and we got engaged and then he broke it off. I keep wondering when will I find that one for me? I am happy single, but I want to find someone to spend my life with and share memories with. I know where your coming from and some days are better than others. You are a great guy and you will find that person for you!
January 24, 2012 at 8:17 AM
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