Out Of My hands

Talk about getting hit while you are already down on the ground. It is bad enough that I already feel so horrible, today I got news that a friend passed away this morning. I wonder why I am living in such a tragedy these days. I went from completely happy about where my life was going to crawling on my knees hopeless. I remember when I thought that Christmas was the happiest time of the year, but for the past three years it has been the most depressing. It seems that once I get the chance to see the light, darkness rears it's ugly head. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I don't know what is happening to me, but what I can figure is that I am back to being shattered inside, and there is a hole inside my heart. I can feel my insides and I am so weak right now, and I am losing to my thoughts. I understand that it is time to be joyful, but I am not feeling it. I remember when I was sitting down with a friend, and we started talking about how we felt about starting a family, it was a pretty simple question, but she stopped for a minute, and told me that everything was going to be fine, that she would always be there for me no matter what. I know what your thinking, what does this have to do with a family? The thing was at the time it meant a lot because we were in love, at least I believe we were. It's kind of like death, know matter what one person says to you about your future, or there future, you never know when they are going to leave you. I am at the point in my life where I am so tired of girls talking about marriage, and kids. I think the next time I hear it, I am going to have to break up with them. I know that sounds unfair, but I can't imagine another girl telling me she wants to start a family with me, and then flake out on me the last minute. I know I am not really prepared either. At times I feel like I can make one small move towards the door, and in a split second I can fall down on my knees crying. Maybe that makes me soft, but I don't see it as such. I understand it's going to be awhile before I feel half way normal, but I am so sick of feeling this pain inside my gut that never seems to let up. It's crazy to think about two weeks ago I was so damn happy, you couldn't cut my smile off if you had a knife. I just want to say that I understand things happen in life that we have no control of, these things are what I am talking about, all I can do is what is in front of me. It can be happy, my brother in Christ went to Jesus, so that is pretty great. I don't really know what the girl is doing, and I am just going to have to suck it up and stay away from her...forget about her in a way. I would say be as busy, multi task if you must...that's all I am doing. I can just take it one day at a time.