I always
believed that I was a good person at heart. I know at one point in my life my
mouth didn’t reinforce that to well. I believe that I am the type of person
that is buried inside himself, and the reason for this is because it seems that
everyone that I come in contact with know how to kick me while I am down. I
know I have a lot of problems but the one thing that I am missing is those
people that stick by your side no matter what is happening in your life. Those
friends that actually want to spend time with you. I am the type of person that
cares way too much, and maybe that has costs me some friendships along the way.
In my life I made two really bad decisions, and that was wasting four years
chasing a dream, and asking a girl to marry me that clearly didn’t love me like
I loved her. These were bad mistakes that I can never take back. I understand
that I am struggling in my life, and I think everyone that reads this blog
needs to know that as well. After two days thinking about what I was going to
write, I realized that a lot of people think that they know what is best for my
life. I understand that a lot of people in the world are selfish, and they only
think about themselves, but if they are in the same situation as I am in how do
they know. Maybe it’s something like; “it’s not you, it’s me”. The last several
relationships/friendships ended on what they thought was best for me. From what
I can see what’s best for them is to get me far away from their lives. It kind
of makes me feel shitty as a person. It feels like I am being used by people.
My question is if I am that bad of a person why be my friend? Why be my girlfriend? Why say "Yes" to marriage? What
I am getting used to is this horrible feeling that follows that time period
when they move on. “Imprisoned by the
choices everyone is making for me, evidently I am sinking deeper.” ~Alcoholic Faith Mission. I may have
not made the best decisions in my life, and I may not be where I hoped I was
five years ago when I was dreaming about being a movie star, but I am doing my
best. I know no matter what people say that I am a great person that has a lot
of love in his heart. I am the type of person that loves almost anything, and
has a strong opinion about things. I am loyal, and I love to have fun.
The
stupid thing is I have a hard time trusting people, but after a while I put my
trust in them, and they still make me pay for it. Of course I understand that
nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but they feel so bad (I guess)
that they tell me in a text, they tell me through Yahoo Mail, they tell me on
Facebook, but never to my face. Nobody has the guts to tell me to my face, not
even my best friend for many years. Nobody wants to hurt my feelings, but in
the end it still ends up happening. Now my friends list has been cut really
short for the past six years, and it just keeps getting shorter. The best
advice other people tell me is that I need to put my trust in people. Now at
this point I am laughing. I can’t even trust fellow Christians, because they
will stab you in the back, and rip your heart out as well as non-Christians. I
understand that we were born as sinners, and that we make mistakes, but I own
up to all my mistakes, and I apologies for all the things I do wrong. Why am I
still paying for it? How the hell do I deserve to still be treated like the
trash? Let’s be honest I used to have someone that I believed at the time was
finally on my side, that was going to pick me up when I was down, but even she
left me. There is no other feeling like being alienated by the world. This is
when I feel like I don’t belong here. So let me apologize to everyone I have offended
in this post. Let me say even after all the pain I have been through I am still
here strong, willing to accept you as my friend, and give you the trust you
deserve. I am here to say I forgive you 70 times 70, and finally if you hurt me
in the end, and leave me all alone, I will still forgive you, and I will never
be completely alone because I have my Father, I have my Healer, I have my best
friend Jesus Christ.
Comments