Blood part 1: Breathing New Life

I have these crazy thoughts of walking so difficult on these broken feet and everything gets in my way. I mean just the people I never want to talk too, but I am forced to speak words. These days it’s hard to wake up sane there is just to many people in my way to the finish line of life. My goal is to be creative in every aspect of my horrible life. Maybe I can shed some blood on my pain. I want to be the one at the top of my game. I want to be the one at the top of this hill. It looks like a pretty day today. Just rain? no sign of sunshine through those dark grey clouds. The cold chill of the breeze remains me of my poor crap of a life. I can proudly say that I am a fake to everyone I have conversation with. I kind of like that nobody knows the inter me, the darkness in this shell. It’s like a game how long can I keep this smile on my face before someone finds out that it’s fake. For the past couple of months I have had a lot of questions about my situation. Which is? I’m broke beyond believe and not one women wants to be with me. I walk so closely to this invisible line that I am afraid that I am going to trip. I so badly want be a team player, but I hate everyone on my team. I wish I can walk with my own two feet, yet I can barely stand anymore. I am looking for the one, that one person that can complete this other half. You know the one that I most likely will never find. Everyone can say that there is someone out there for me, but that doesn’t make it true. Most days consist of me getting up off my lazy ass and driving to my sad excuse for a job. This usually takes up to an hour because I never want to get out of my bed in the mornings. Most mornings the sun light is blinding right in my eyes through the half opened blinds. I never learn to shut them before I close my eyes at night. I never wake up peacefully it is always by the loud siren sound of my alarm clock echoing in my right ear as it continues to get louder. My hand has the same reaction every morning to slam into the snooze button, and attracts back under the covers. I don’t think that I am a morning person, but I don’t think I am a night person either. I don’t know what I am. It just feels like I am tired all the time. I have no energy all day, everyday. After hitting the twenty minute button I usually bury my head into my mountain of pillows. I go through that process a few times before rising like a zombie climbing out of his grave looking for wet juicy bloody flesh. In my case I was dying for water, so I raced to the bathroom where I drank enough to leave me peeing for a half an hour. My mornings are mostly routine meaning that some days I like to change this bore fest up a little bit. I do basically the same things! “ You Know! The Three S’s. What is that? Shit, Shower and Shave.” That completes the whole morning of activities. The one thing that is not consistent is breakfast. This part of the morning all depends on what time I wake up. There is days when I do not eat. I get through it alright. If you think about it, it is all my fault anyways. Getting to the office parking lot always makes me depressed because now I know that I have to put my mask on. I have to hide the real me. “Hey, everyone I am something that I’m not! How are you today?” The day won’t be so bad if I didn’t have to work with the loudest person on the planet. Sometimes I have to cover my mouth because I feel that I’m going to say “Hey Bill Shut The Fuck Up Already”. Bill Carter or what he preferred to be called William. This guy is a pain in my ass! One of these days I am going to quit and it’s going to be because of “William.” I can’t even say that it is just his mouth, but he wears these tight little shirts. He is not the most in shape guy either. Pretty much every time I see him I have to pull a trash can over to my mouth, so I can puke in it. Why does he have to be my partner? Lets just say that I am not getting paid enough to sit with a guy that sings every second of the day, nobody can be that happy all day long. The songs that he sings are annoying. Not to make the moment awkward, but William is gay. The truth is that I do not have a problem with that. That is fine with me, but his mouth needs to be duct taped shut every second of everyday. Maybe he is wearing a mask just like me. We don’t really talk about your after work lives, in fact I change the subject every time he brings it up. It’s hard enough keeping this hot sweaty mask on my face all day I don’t want the word FAKE written on it in a black permanent marker. We work in cave with two desks. It doesn’t matter if the light is on, or not it always feels like it is dark outside. Besides that there is not much in that grey box shaped room. Being in a windowless room really hides the excitement of life from 9 to 5. 　 This job is fun I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to be a miserable writer for the Miami Herald under lifestyle column. When 10am rolls around all writers are off to the conference room where we receive our report for the day or up coming weeks. Most mornings are great when old Larry Barnes is telling you everything he needs to get done, as he is standing two inches from your face screaming spit onto the lobe of your ear. When this happens I’m always thinking about the same thing “ I can’t wait to quit this job.” Well it is the truth! Larry Barnes is the Chief Editor of the Newspaper and he is old as fuck. Wow! what can I say he looks like he is days away from his grave. You know your old when your right in the middle of a meeting and your drooling in La La Land. He is about ninety and it shows. I can not help to laugh every time I see him behind the wheel his face is so close to this knuckles on the steering wheel if he got hit from behind he would lose a lot of teeth. In fact he probably lose them all. I haven’t liked Larry since the day he hired me about ten years ago. I don’t think he likes me either. It’s not like we have a friend relationship. When the meeting is finally over I break for some coffee. The coffee in the office is horrible tasting, and it smells like a toilet. I do not understand how everyone can drink that. Then later when I have to have conversation with people their breathe smells like ass. If it was up to me I would be vomiting all over the office. Instead I just take a walk across the street to the Star Bucks. “One Cup of Joe”. That nice steaming hot cup of coffee gives me the energy until lunch. One day without that an I would be a mess. Then when I get back I sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen looking for life. I look for anything better than my own; that means a family playing at the park, or a little boy riding his bike up and down the street as his father watches him making sure he is safe. I notice that it is really easy to find someone smiling. Finding someone in pain is like getting a virus on your computer you want it to go away, but it is harder then it looks. Most of the time William and I are deciding about what we are looking for in our life. Having the story and writing it are two different things. Before I know it, it is noon, and that means time for lunch. I notice that around the office everyone has there groups that they go with, but I just go by myself. I like going to the sandwich shop a couple blocks down. The Sandwich Café is a very small building with green painted walls, marble floors, and polished wood tables. I remember it being and old odds and ends store, and then abandon for several years. This cafe is in the perfect spot on fairly clattered block. Besides the old memories of the building there is this very attractive girl behind the counter. I have noticed that I now just go their for her, yet I don’t know here name. Every time I get close to she her name tag she turns away. All I can see is her in this green Café shirt with kaki pants and black and white Nike’s. I like when she wears her long brown hair down and waving in the wind, just like when she is running in the mornings before her shift. I like her smile it lights up my day, or for the moment. I go there to see her and everything she does. We never really talk, or I haven’t yet because I won’t know what to say. We make eye contact once in awhile, but I try not to get caught looking at her beautiful brown eyes. The problem is that I’m to damn scared to saying thing. I don’t want to mess up what he have. What the hell am I talking about I don’t even know her name. I sit at the same table looking out the window. Thinking of what to say the entire time I’m in the building. Then I always think that I’m going to say something when it’s time to pay for my lunch. I say the same thing every time. She says “Have a nice day!” Then I reply with “ You To” followed me walking away yelling at myself. I go back to my dark dungeon of an office. I am back to what I hate. I am back to covering my face. I try so hard to not make eye contact. I walk in the building staring at my feet all the way to my office door. I can see myself putting on that fake smile and waving to all my employees. Everyday is the same to me. I am stuck in this rut, and nobody is willing to pull me out. I know that after lunch means it is time to type my piece for tomorrows newspaper. Of course it will be reviewed by Larry, but the jobs is not that difficult. I guess that is the reason why I am still in this same spinning chair. It is not that I don’t want change it is more like I am afraid of change. I was never taut change. My Mother and Father worked the same jobs their entire life’s. They did the same things everyday. I was never shown how to get up and change my ways. 　 I get back to my apartment at about 6pm depending on what I didn’t get finished and the traffic. Nothing in this life never really surprises me. I am used to life’s bullshit and everything that is being dragged along. I am always thinking about what it would be like to be normal. I mean have a normal life. Living on the hills above all the crap that falls on the less fortunate. I try not to bother anyone in my apartment complex. I like to stay away. There is always someone out there that wants to know every detail about every situation. I am not that person to let out all of my juice secrets of this boring everyday life. The problem is that the building is crawling with people like that. I almost have to climb in through the air ducts. That makes it hard to get to the third floor. I wanted to take the stairs, but for some reason I decide to go with the elevator. Thank god that I was on with some that is as quiet as I am. James Moore a quiet weekly church go-er. I do not know much about him because I have never talked to him. I can tell the way his clothes are always neatly pressed, and his bible on his side that he goes to the church. Since it is Wednesday and not Sunday he probably attends church more than the everyday person. My nights are pretty simple. They all depend on what I am feeling at the moment. The number one rule with me is that I never, and I mean never take my work home with me. There are many things that I dislike, yet there are just as many things that I like. Some Night’s I like to walk down to the shores of the roaring ocean and walk until I get lost. While others I’ll just stay home and watch the game depending on what is on that night. Tonight I think I am going to go down to the Bar, or Grill. I do like to watch other people. Maybe I can find someone that has a crappier life than I do. (Walking through a crowd to get into Pete’s Bar and Grill Jack enters and sits at the empty seat at the far end of the Bar.) JACK I’ll have a glass of water! BARTENDER Alright! (The bartender looks at him with an odd look as he hands him the glass of water.) (I do not understand how everyone can go out and have a nice dinner at a place that creates so much noise. It is like a dome everything you say, or anything you begin to say echoes. It is to loud even to hold a conversation.) (As twenty minutes goes by the bar begins to fill up, so much it was hard to see anything besides bodies. As Jack begins to leave a girl pats him on the shoulder.) ALYSSA Don’t I know you from somewhere? JACK Yeah! The Sandwich Café. I go there almost every day. ALYSSA If I am not mistaken you go there EVERYDAY, I notice that you look at me a lot, but you never say anything. JACK The truth is that I am always looking at the spot right behind you. ( Very clever! I never know what to say and that just sounded ridiculous.) ALYSSA So is that the truth! I’m Alyssa! What is your name? JACK My name is Jack! Since I know where you work, I work for the Miami Herald Newspaper. I’m a writer for the lifestyle column. ALYSSA WOW! That’s great I almost get to read the paper in the mornings. (I hate when people make jokes about things they do not know the whole situation. Now I have to make this fake laugh to show that I was listening.) JACK Ha ha ha! That’s really funny. I didn’t mean anything bad by it. I just think you are a beautiful girl…. I would love to get to know. ALYSSA That is very sweet of you. To be honest myself I thought you were a nice guy the first time I saw you. Even when you never said anything my opinion never changed. I would like to get to know you too. I’m single at the moment. Still waiting for a man. JACK That is great to hear because I am single looking for a women. ALYSSA Want to get a table? JACK I don’t think that there is room in this bar. Why don’t we go a couple streets over to another bar, there are some tables outside. We can talk some more. ALYSSA Sounds good. Lets go now. JACK How many drinks have you had already? ALYSSA Not enough I can have more……What about you what were you drinking water? JACK Yes, but I like water. I didn’t picture you as a heavy drinker. (After a few more drinks Jack and Alyssa begin to walk to the lonesome bar two blocks over. Falling over Jack holds Alyssa up almost carrying her to the bar.) JACK Maybe I should just take you home, it would be better for the both of us. ALYSSA You just want to get in my pants, don’t you? You just want to see me naked, and have sex with me? JACK Your to drunk I am going to take you home. ( Why is she so different? It’s hard enough trying to find a women and I do and she’s a drinker.) ( Jack carries Alyssa to her car which was parked in front of Pete’s Bar and Grill. He then drives her to her house and puts her into her bed and pulled the covers over her.) What the Fuck is this I get stuck in?, but how is tomorrow going to pan out. I saw her puke all over my shirt and what a night. Now I have to walk home by myself. It’s 2am, and I have to wake up early tomorrow. ( On the way home an old friend sneaks up behind him, Shocked from the scare he attacks the man, beating him near death.) JACK What the fuck do you want with me? (Jack puts his hands tightly on the guys throat. When he saw who it was he quickly let up, he then stood up in shock.) JACK Holy Shit man. You really don’t need to be sneaking up on people. It’s fucking 2 in the morning. What the FUCK were you thinking? Shit I could have killed you. ( coughing from the beating the man doesn’t say a word. He looks at Jack and then walks away. Jack begins walking down the street breathing in the warm air with a smile on his face.) What is up with this night, or morning? I almost killed Ted and apparently he wasn’t to happy. WOW!! That felt great! It’s like I can breathe again. I have new life. My veins are pumping blood faster then ever. I have so much energy. I am high right now. It’s like almost killing someone has given me new life.