I have been standing here for a long time, and it feels like nothing has changed. I have so much to say, but these words just get tangled in my lies. I can remember all of my dreams and know that this life never turned out the way I thought it would seven years ago. What the hell did I know I was 15 years old? I was just a child walking alone in the dark. I didn’t know what monster I would run into. Running scared is most likely the path I followed. I hate the monster that I have become. I try so hard to speak and write the truth, but my life is all fake. I walk into life with my mask on and I never take it off. I started to read some of my old letters to myself when I was in high school and realized that I never wanted to be an Actor, it never crossed my mind. Isn’t this saying true “Don’t let school get in the way of one’s education”? Well I think it is time I follow this dream. I shouldn’t have to live out my bloody death every single day. I should be walking on these clouds singing my tune. I shouldn’t have to listen to these teachers that think they know what they are talking about! They followed there own path, so they don’t know the first thing about my journey. They can say a lot of bullshit about life, but you will never know unless you go out there and drive your own car, get your own gas. Of course there is going to be pain, headaches, and bumps in the road. These things should make you want to fight harder. Never give up on your dreams, don’t settle for a crappy dead end job. I don’t want to be another helpless person that pushes his dream to the side of the road because someone said so. I really want to get this out of my head. I really want people to know who I am. I want them to see my face and hear my voice. I really want them to know the real me.
The truth is I am just like every other Foul Mouth guy that says Fuck one to many times. I can be a real Asshole sometimes. I am loud, and it is all about me, Fuck everyone else. I’ll deal with them later. I hate adults that never Fucking grow up, they act like kids their entire lives. I am so sick of hiding behind this mask, but it is what I do. I love my family and Nobody will EVER get in the way of that, and I mean nobody. I am all about coming up with the best lie, and telling it to the first sucker in my way. I love lying through my teeth. Maybe I don’t love Acting, I just love lying to people. I am sick almost everyday of my life, and I am not as strong as I show. I spend mostly everyday all by myself. I don’t really have any true friends, well there is one, but he lives in Ashville. I have a hard time trusting people. So I avoid talking as much as possible. The way I see it is If I meet someone they won’t like what is behind this mask. To be honest I do most of the mask wearing at school and work. High school is were I created the mask. To be the nice shy kid that doesn’t talk much was just a Fucking Act. On another note I am truly a big mess, I have thought of suicide a lot. Just to end this lie. Why should I be the nice guy? Why should I be a caring person because it seems to be working out beautiful. Being kind and telling girls they look beautiful and opening doors, That is a hole lot of crap. If being the nice guy doesn’t help me then I think it is time to throw that image away. Just Like I said before, I guess girls like Assholes, and I can play the part. My life is a mess, but I have had some hope creeping up and I don’t want to give that away. I just want to take it as far as I can. To say I can come back to COA and say that these were the good days is a Fucking lie, because this school is a joke and I am glad that I am almost finished. The one thing that kills this school is the chance that the student can be creative, and follow his dream. I mean I have taken a lot classes that will never help me in life. I have learned things that will never effect any person. As soon as I am done I can’t say I can get a job because of Theatre. I wish I was just another kid that can live off of his parents money and don’t have to worry about paying the bills. I wish I could be able to say I worked my ass off in college, but the honest truth is that Life just fines a way to kick me when I am down. I don’t know how, but I pick my bloody busied ass up and go to school. I won’t expect any teacher to understand all the horrible things I go through. For me to say I wish it was all over is just a pain in my heart because I have so much life to live. I am not homeless, I have food in my house, but seeing what I see it is hard to keep this head up. It is hard to look myself in the mirror and say I don’t hate myself for what I do. I just don’t want to be me no more. I want to just say goodbye and walk away, but that is not the way life works, you just have to shut your mouth and stand in this bottomless pit I call my life.
You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. (Matthew 24:6-8; Mark 13:7-8 NIV).Mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God -- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. (2 Timothy 3:1-5 NIV). But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. (2 Peter 3:10 NIV). An
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