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After Thought's


I may not be this millionaire that everyone wants to become or this bad ass that women follow around like gods. I have my faults, who doesn’t? but why do I deserve to be broken, yet again? Why can’t I find a woman that will be there when I am struggling with life problems or someone that would love to hear what I have to say? Why God? Why can’t I find a girl that is a true Christian that will lift me up when I am down, that will pray for me on the spot? I know I need a woman that is willing to straighten me out when I get off track, and I will do the same when she is off track. Sometimes it’s really hard to look at this as a simple lesson because all I can think about his her…My dreams become these nightmares where I dream about her, and all I do is toss and turn all night. I find myself writing stupid little letters that most likely don’t mean a thing to her. The problem is I don’t know how to give her, her space. Someone told me once that I need to find happiness outside a relationship. All I do now is feel  like crap, because I believed in all of my heart that I was finally happy, and that I have found the woman that I wanted to share my life with. That is the most difficult thing to get over..I was so sure, and then she pulls a 360. I guess while I am down here…I pray that God will break me into the dust, and clay that I am, and remold me. I pray that he would make me into the man I was meant to always be. I pray for my future wife that she will know the love of God; I pray that she will be strengthened by the grace of God. I have so much love to give, I don’t really understand if I wasted it on this last girl. I believed that she was the “one”, and I bent over backwards for her. Since this “event” happened everyone has been giving me the advice of “everything will be alright”, but I believe that is a lie, of course I believe after days, months, even years I will be fine, but I find it hard to believe everything is going to be alright. I feel like running away forever, and never coming home. Live out in the wilderness away from this cruel and hateful world. I pray not to be broken anymore, to finally find happiness, and I don’t have to worry about not trusting someone, I don’t have to worry about getting my heart broken yet again. I found this note from this girl about a week, and a day from when she dumped me, but the thing was she said she couldn’t imagine being this happy without me, that she loved that I would call her beautiful even when she wasn’t feeling well. All I can think about is that this was a lie. I start to wonder who I really am when someone can say this to me one week, and then break up with me the next. It makes me feel like that comment was just supposed to hold me over.  Not to pick everything apart, but that just makes me feel so worthless and not loved at all. I don’t want to feel like this..I want someone to be truthful, that when they tell me that they can’t imagine being happy without me, and that they love me, they won’t break my heart a week later. It really makes no sense to me. Girls keep telling they never wanted to hurt me, so they waited months to tell me the truth. The truth is when you break up with someone there is no possible way someone won’t get hurt, holding everything inside for months and making the other person believe everything is fine, it doesn’t soften the hurt, it makes it worse knowing all those things you have been doing for that person that past month or so, there reactions where all a lie. I am not going to walk around and be fake, to act like everything is fine. I believe that is cowardly. This is a time to grieve, and to be sad. I have learned to take one day at a time, and lift all of this mess up to God every day. Maybe you have been through this yourself? Please if you want tell me what you did.

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